Humble Pie.

I really don't know how to start off this post, and it is probably going to be a lot of rambling that I can only hope make sense.. and it HURTS to write this.. you will see why.. but praise be to God for giving me the strength to spill my heart for everyone to see the ugliness inside.

This weekend was DiscipleNow for our youth group. I can honestly say that I went into this weekend with a slightly different attitude than most DNOW's I have been a part of. First, let me talk about how I've been struggling leading up to DNOW.

So, I'm sure everyone knows that I still do not have a job.. and yes, I am have been very, very angry and bitter. I may not speak about it or show it through my outward emotions, but I have been very hurt and angry over the fact that 90% of my graduating class all have jobs.. and I do not. It literally STINKS when you are in nursing school and everyone applauds you and talks about how "easy" it will be to find a job upon graduating. Well the reality for me has been that everything I was told is ALL LIES-- or so that's how it has seemed to me personally. Something else that has really gotten under my skin (and excuse my frankness, but I have to be real in order for you to see where I was before this weekend)-- the fact that some people in my class who literally "piggy backed" their way through nursing school (so it seemed) and that I bent over backwards for to help out and what not HAVE AWESOME jobs.. and I am still unemployed. I'm speaking straight from my heart when I say it HURTS so bad to be one of four out of my class that graduated with honors, to have worked my butt of for two years, to have put everything on hold it seemed like, just to pursue the calling God had for me.. and then not be able to find a job in the area to which He called me.

Those reading are probably thinking "what a brat!".. and that's ok.. because that's EXACTLY the attitude I had. And honestly, I had a lot of anger in my heart. So, it's ok if you think those things.. because my attitude stunk. In fact, in Galatians 5, Christ tells us that angry is a "work of the flesh" (Gal. 5:19-21. With that being true, my flesh was definitely acting out over the past few weeks.

So, I go to DiscipleNow knowing that the theme is "humility." Fitting, right? Well, in my flesh, I somehow convince myself that because this is an event geared towards the youth, that I probably won't get anything out of it.. and SURELY God isn't wanting to speak to ME about being HUMBLE.. not at all, huh?

Little did I know, I was going to feel like every message was being shot specifically towards me. The theme for the weekend was "LIVE LAST", with the main verse being Matthew 20:16...

"... so the last will be first,

and the first will be last."

We spent each session talking about ways to put others before us, how to humble ourselves before God and before others, how to realize we are NO better than anyone, etc. My mind was really provoked by these teachings.. yes, I have always known of them and whatever.. but I hate to admit I struggle with actually LIVING them. I don't really know how else I can explain the message for this weekend except for humility. God really kicked my butt and knocked me flat on my face-- and it hurt. He really shook me and allowed me to realize that there is NOTHING I can do-- no degree I can hold, not enough certifications and licenses I can obtain-- to be BETTER or more "qualified" than anyone I graduated with, or anyone period for that matter. 

God kept reminding me of a verse over and over.. Philippians 2:3, which reads "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility, consider others better than yourself." Ouch.. we live in a society that is so "me" oriented.. what can I do to make ME better, what can I get to make everyone like ME, if I'm not HAPPY, something is wrong.. etc. And I am SICK of it. God has broken my heart over vanity and I am SICK TO DEATH of ME ME ME ME ME. And that's exactly the attitude I had with my job hunt.

I truly believe God has not given me a job to date for a specific reason.. and I believe that reason was revealed to me this weekend on numerous occasions. I'll quote a text message I sent a friend of mine earlier today to sum up what I feel God is doing in my life at this very moment.

"You know, I just always said I would NEVER work a floor. Well, the theme for DNOW this weekend was humility, and I think my "floor hate" strictly comes from my pride. I spent most of the weekend in tears, but He really revealed to me that just because CAITLIN thinks it's unfair other people have a job, it's very prideful for me to get angry about it. And as much as it sucks, I am so thankful He opened my eyes to my pride. I really think that may be why He is holding off on allowing me a job.. until I humble myself and realize I am no better than anyone of His children."

I ask that you please lift me in prayer.. not that I found a job.. but that I continue to learn humility and God helps destroy my prideful attitude so that I may serve him with a fully devoted servant's heart.

My prayer for you is that, if you somehow can relate to my issue of disgusting pride, that God will begin to break your heart as He broke mine. I pray that you consider others better than you consider yourself, and that you serve each other daily out of humility instead of "duty."

"God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble."

James 4:6 

In Christ,
Cait

Let's Celebrate!

I PASSED NCLEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok guys.. sorry, had to get that out of my system! I honestly cannot explain how I feel right now. When I checked the Board of Nursing's website yesterday morning only to find MY name with RN and a LICENSE NUMBER listed behind it.. I almost fainted. It felt like Christmas morning, except a million times better (which is crazy if you know me.. because I am a Christmas fanatic). This is one day that seemed like it would NEVER EVER get here. But, after too many hours (to count) of studying, way too many cried tears, not enough sleep, not enough caffeine, a few lost pounds, $2,000 worth of books, too much $$$ in tuition.. you get the picture.. it finally came! Not only am I a graduate now.. I am a licensed REGISTERED NURSE. Now, I know many of y'all probably aren't nearly as excited and wish I would probably shut up.. but, this is my blog.. and I just feel like there is a huge party going on in my brain right now and I'm proud that I finally accomplished one of my life long goals. NOW-- let's continue to pray I find a job. I have felt a very strange and comforting peace this week about the job situation. I truly believe God is up to something big and I can't wait to see what doors He opens for me. 

I don't have much other to say right now except Matthew and I are really fixing to hit the house hunt hard. As I said, we have been looking off and on since September.. but since I am officially finished with school and soon to be employed (hopefully), we are ready to find a house to call OUR'S and make it into a home. We are ready to settle down in one spot and stay put for awhile. We absolutely cannot wait to see what all God is going to do in our lives this year with us BOTH having real careers. I am tickled pink.

That's about all I have to say tonight.. hopefully next time my brain won't be too busy partying :)

Xoxo,

Cait :)

"The testing of your faith produces endurance.." James 1:3

It's me again.. and heed my warning: this post will not be nearly as "cheery" as most of mine are. I'm fixing to give you a passage that pretty much sums up everything that has happened in the past 72 hours for me.


"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way."
-James 1:2-4 (MSG)


Ok, I want to get something straight before I dive into this post. Yes, I said it will not be as cheerful as most of my post, but I am NOT in any way trying to complain. So, here goes...

Let me start by telling you that I made ONE New Year's resolution commitment: 
Trust God more.

Most of you know I just graduated with my BSN. Also, I'm guessing the majority of you view nursing like most of society does-- "recession proof." Well, I hate to bust your bubble, but that's far from the truth. In fact, I'm indirectly suffering some of the results of this recession as we speak. I say indirectly because I do not have a job, so I did not have a job to lose. However, the job I was 90% sure I would have is about 90% not going to happen now. If you read or watch the news, you have probably heard about University laying off 115 employees and deciding NOT to fill the 90 vacant positions. Well, the position I thought I would have happened to be one of those 90 vacant positions. The only positions UMC will be filling (as told from an inside employee) are those positions "deemed necessary" and, sadly, graduate nurses are not a necessity right now. So now I am back at square one with my job hunt. (Let me throw this in here and say that I am SO unbelievably thankful for my precious husband and his willingness to walk alongside me and endure this hardship with me-- he rocks!). 


Like I said, I am in no way complaining (anymore), but I have been very upset. I know several of my followers/readers can relate to what I am about to say. It absolutely, indefinitely, 100% SUCKS when you truly BELIEVE you knew what God wanted you to do with your life. Especially after He had changed your heart on several different occasions to lead you to what you thought you were meant to do. Now hear me out, I am not saying I think God doesn't want me where I thought I would be.. I just think maybe He is saying "Not now." After all, He knows best!


Through these past 72 hours and having had (what feels like) doors literally slammed shut in my face, my character and faith has certainly been (and is being) tested daily. This is the very reason I am not letting myself get upset or worked up about this situation. I am determined to use it as a growing experience and be a testimony to all God is capable of doing. It is very hard when God tells us "no" or "maybe later", but that doesn't mean it is bad. In fact, it can be just the opposite. It is all too easy for us to give God praise and adoration when things are going GREAT.. it's when things get tough that we tend to forget all He is capable of and lose sight of our faith. We have GOT TO realize (especially in times of despair) that God's plan is not only bigger than ours-- it is PERFECT.


You know they say "don't pray for patience, because you'll be tested." Well, maybe I shouldn't have said I was going to learn to trust God more (KIDDING!). But seriously, I feel like I have grown more spiritually in the past three days than I have in the past three years. I think these circumstances are just one of God's ways (and hopefully the hardest, ha!) to help me fulfill my New Year's commitment to Him.


I know God will lead me to the perfect job He has set aside for me. I know that at the end of this, I will see the beauty in it. I know that God is sovereign and knows what's best for me, even when I don't think it's the best. I know God is FOR me and NOT AGAINST me. Lastly, I know God takes care of His children.. and I am thankful to be able to call myself a child of the King.

How can you pray?

Please pray that God sends me the RIGHT job He has for me in His timing. 

Pray that my faith continues to grow and my trust continues to strengthen.

Pray for the sanity of my husband as he puts up with my emotional rollercoaster.

Pray for my fellow classmates that have also been affected by this unfortunate event.. and pray they seek God throughout this time as well.

Love you guys!
-Cait

Goodbye 2011, Hello 2012.

Wow, if I thought life would slow down after graduation.. I was W-R-O-N-G. Matthew and I have been SO busy the past few weeks. Here's a quick overview of what we've done..

-We had SIX family Christmas gatherings.. yes, six. We have such a huge family. We loved every minute of each one of them though! I also attended six Christmas parties this season. (Christmas is my absolute favorite time of the year and I love being with those we cherish).

-We celebrated our nephew, Hayes, first birthday! He is growing up SO fast. Seeing him eat his "smash cake" was absolutely precious. It was so fun and for a split second actually made me slightly and minutely anticipate parenthood. It can wait.. like I said, it was for a split second!

-We have looked at several more houses and are completely worn out. We are beginning to think God isn't quite ready for us to purchase a home yet, as we feel He hasn't lead us to the right one. We aren't giving up, however. But we are trusting that He will provide the right house, in the right location, with the right price, at the right time. His ways are so much higher than ours.

-My sister-in-law got engaged! Yay! I couldn't be happier for her. She also asked me if I would be her planner/coordinator. I also couldn't be more excited about that! We have gone to look at some stuff and started to gather ideas about the "big" things (date, colors, theme, etc). I am SO thrilled to help her plan and make her big day a fairytale!

-I have not quit studying. I take NCLEX (state board exam) on January 12. I have been studying like crazy. I am so nervous, but I know God will intercede and carry me through.

-Matt and I have continued to go hunting. We have had much more time to enjoy in the woods since his work schedule has changed so drastically since this summer. We absolutely love spending time together in the woods. It is so peaceful. Finally, Matt got a deer (today).. so we won't starve this next year!

-We welcomed in the new year in Meridian at the State Youth Convention. We only had a few students go, but we had a blast nonetheless. Between playing Just Dance, attempting pranks, and oversleeping.. we had a fabulous time bonding with our students.

So, that about sums up how we finished off 2011. With it only being a few days into 2012, I don't have much to say about it. However, I heard a great quote today.. "don't make resolutions, make COMMITMENTS." So for 2012, I am determined to be more committed to growing closer to my God, striving to trust Him wholeheartedly, and to love my husband and serve him as Christ commands me to.

I hope you all had a fabulous end to 2011 and a lovely welcome to 2012.

Love you all!
-Cait