Humble Pie.

I really don't know how to start off this post, and it is probably going to be a lot of rambling that I can only hope make sense.. and it HURTS to write this.. you will see why.. but praise be to God for giving me the strength to spill my heart for everyone to see the ugliness inside.

This weekend was DiscipleNow for our youth group. I can honestly say that I went into this weekend with a slightly different attitude than most DNOW's I have been a part of. First, let me talk about how I've been struggling leading up to DNOW.

So, I'm sure everyone knows that I still do not have a job.. and yes, I am have been very, very angry and bitter. I may not speak about it or show it through my outward emotions, but I have been very hurt and angry over the fact that 90% of my graduating class all have jobs.. and I do not. It literally STINKS when you are in nursing school and everyone applauds you and talks about how "easy" it will be to find a job upon graduating. Well the reality for me has been that everything I was told is ALL LIES-- or so that's how it has seemed to me personally. Something else that has really gotten under my skin (and excuse my frankness, but I have to be real in order for you to see where I was before this weekend)-- the fact that some people in my class who literally "piggy backed" their way through nursing school (so it seemed) and that I bent over backwards for to help out and what not HAVE AWESOME jobs.. and I am still unemployed. I'm speaking straight from my heart when I say it HURTS so bad to be one of four out of my class that graduated with honors, to have worked my butt of for two years, to have put everything on hold it seemed like, just to pursue the calling God had for me.. and then not be able to find a job in the area to which He called me.

Those reading are probably thinking "what a brat!".. and that's ok.. because that's EXACTLY the attitude I had. And honestly, I had a lot of anger in my heart. So, it's ok if you think those things.. because my attitude stunk. In fact, in Galatians 5, Christ tells us that angry is a "work of the flesh" (Gal. 5:19-21. With that being true, my flesh was definitely acting out over the past few weeks.

So, I go to DiscipleNow knowing that the theme is "humility." Fitting, right? Well, in my flesh, I somehow convince myself that because this is an event geared towards the youth, that I probably won't get anything out of it.. and SURELY God isn't wanting to speak to ME about being HUMBLE.. not at all, huh?

Little did I know, I was going to feel like every message was being shot specifically towards me. The theme for the weekend was "LIVE LAST", with the main verse being Matthew 20:16...

"... so the last will be first,

and the first will be last."

We spent each session talking about ways to put others before us, how to humble ourselves before God and before others, how to realize we are NO better than anyone, etc. My mind was really provoked by these teachings.. yes, I have always known of them and whatever.. but I hate to admit I struggle with actually LIVING them. I don't really know how else I can explain the message for this weekend except for humility. God really kicked my butt and knocked me flat on my face-- and it hurt. He really shook me and allowed me to realize that there is NOTHING I can do-- no degree I can hold, not enough certifications and licenses I can obtain-- to be BETTER or more "qualified" than anyone I graduated with, or anyone period for that matter. 

God kept reminding me of a verse over and over.. Philippians 2:3, which reads "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility, consider others better than yourself." Ouch.. we live in a society that is so "me" oriented.. what can I do to make ME better, what can I get to make everyone like ME, if I'm not HAPPY, something is wrong.. etc. And I am SICK of it. God has broken my heart over vanity and I am SICK TO DEATH of ME ME ME ME ME. And that's exactly the attitude I had with my job hunt.

I truly believe God has not given me a job to date for a specific reason.. and I believe that reason was revealed to me this weekend on numerous occasions. I'll quote a text message I sent a friend of mine earlier today to sum up what I feel God is doing in my life at this very moment.

"You know, I just always said I would NEVER work a floor. Well, the theme for DNOW this weekend was humility, and I think my "floor hate" strictly comes from my pride. I spent most of the weekend in tears, but He really revealed to me that just because CAITLIN thinks it's unfair other people have a job, it's very prideful for me to get angry about it. And as much as it sucks, I am so thankful He opened my eyes to my pride. I really think that may be why He is holding off on allowing me a job.. until I humble myself and realize I am no better than anyone of His children."

I ask that you please lift me in prayer.. not that I found a job.. but that I continue to learn humility and God helps destroy my prideful attitude so that I may serve him with a fully devoted servant's heart.

My prayer for you is that, if you somehow can relate to my issue of disgusting pride, that God will begin to break your heart as He broke mine. I pray that you consider others better than you consider yourself, and that you serve each other daily out of humility instead of "duty."

"God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble."

James 4:6 

In Christ,
Cait